Quotes From James Traficant
ST. LOUIS ALDERMAN'S DECISION
Mr. TRAFICANT. Mr. Speaker, politicians have always been known for gas, but a St. Louis alderman had to make an important decision. In the midst of a heated debate, she had to urinate. Now if that is not enough to threaten a filibuster, the Member said, and I quote, ``Rather than leave the Chamber, my staff surrounded me with blankets,'' and Mr. Speaker, the rest is history. The woman did void.
Unbelievable. What is next? Chamber port-a-potties? How about window urinals? Beam me up. I yield back the fact that when taxpayers say politics stink they are not talking about the Roto-Rooter man.
AMERICA'S GREATEST PASTIME -- November 07, 2001
Mr. TRAFICANT. Mr. Speaker, baseball will eliminate two teams. Some surprise. Tickets average 50 bucks. A program is $10; popcorn, $5; parking, $20. A hot dog and a beer cost about $10 to $12 at most stadiums. Beam me up. The umpire said, ``Play ball,'' not ``monopoly.''
When a family of four needs a second mortgage to go see a baseball game in America, it does not take Dr. Ruth to explain to major league baseball what has gone wrong. I yield back what is left of America's great pastime after the greatest World Series perhaps in our history.
CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT BIRTH OF CHRIST 12/12/01
Mr. TRAFICANT. Mr. Speaker, the school prayer issue is out of control, literally. Students in Pennsylvania were prohibited from handing out Christmas cards. Reports say students in Minnesota were disciplined for having said merry Christmas. Now if that is not enough to find coal in your athletic supporter, check this out: A school board in Georgia removed the word ``Christmas'' from their school calendar because the ACLU threatened to sue. Beam me up. If this is religious freedom, I am a fashion model for GQ.
Mr. Speaker, I yield back the fact that Christmas is not about a jolly old fat man. Christmas is about the birth of Christ.
IT IS TIME FOR THE IRS TO GO 05/25/01
Mr. TRAFICANT. Madam Speaker, an investigation revealed that 16,000 IRS employees illegally used their computers. The report states IRS agents spent 50 percent of their time at work on personal business. If that is not enough to service your revenue, IRS agents illegally used their computers for shopping, stock trading, gambling and pornography. Unbelievable.
Think about it. While 60 percent of taxpayer calls to the IRS go unanswered, the IRS agents were watching Marilyn Chambers do the Rotary International. Beam me up here. It is time to pass a flat 15 percent sales tax and abolish this gambling, porno-watching IRS completely.
I yield back the internal rectal service of the United States of America.
SUCKER FISH DESTROYING LIVELIHOOD OF OREGON FARMERS 07/12/01
Mr. TRAFICANT. Mr. Speaker, the endangered sucker fish is living up to its reputation, sucking the livelihood from 1,400 farmers in Oregon. That is right. This protected bottom feeder now has more rights than farmers out there. If that is not enough to fry your mackerel, this region has now been without irrigated water since April, turning 200,000 acres of farmland into near desert.
Beam me up. Stop this sucker fish crusade. Free these farmers.
I yield back the fact that this sucker fish sucks.
CHINA'S TWO-TIMING OF AMERICA 11/28/02
Mr. TRAFICANT. Mr. Speaker, reports say that China is two-timing Uncle Sam big time. With one hand China slaps Uncle Sam on the back and wishes us well in Afghanistan. With the other hand China sells missiles and weapons to Iran and Iraq and continues to funnel support under the table to the Taliban. Bottom line, China continues to aid and abet our enemies.
Beam me up.
I yield back the fact that the Taliban are a fly on our face, but China is a dragon eating our assets. Think about that.
"I will take with me a file, a chisel, a knife, I will try and get some major explosives, try to fight my way out," Traficant said of the possibility of his incarceration.
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CONSIDER a recent exchange between James Traficant, a Democratic congressman from Youngstown, Ohio, and a woman called Sandra Ferrante. The occasion was the sombre meeting of the Committee on Standards of Official Conduct. The subject was whether Mr Traficant should be expelled from Congress. Ms Ferrante was a rare friendly witness:
Traficant: Were you and I sex partners?
Ferrante: No
Traficant: Why not?
The link is only for paying subscribers of the economist.
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"The legal group Judicial Watch has charged IRS Commissioner Rossotti with conflict of interest involving a company he founded," Traficant said on July 31, 2001. "Rossotti still owns stock in the company, his wife works there, and Rossotti buys software from this company for the IRS. That is right. Rossotti buys from Rossotti. What is the surprise? In addition, Rossotti is scheduled for another big, fat bonus from Congress. Beam me up. The Internal Rectal Service does not need bonuses; they need (to be) abolished. I yield back the fact that if a Member of Congress did what Rossotti did, you would go straight to the slammer."
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"Mr. Speaker, news reports say the Pentagon is stuck with 600,000 black berets made in China, and the Pentagon is storing these Communist hats in a warehouse in Pennsylvania," he said. "If that is not enough to bust your balloons, the Pentagon is trying to sell these Communist hats to foreign countries; and guess what the Pentagon is hearing from these foreign countries. Why would we buy them? Why would we want our troops to wear hats made in China? Beam me up. The Pentagon just did not waive the Buy American Act, the Pentagon waved Old Glory the wrong way. Mr. Speaker, I suggest that these Chinese berets be made into suppositories and be used on Pentagon brass."
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"Madam Speaker, it started with the training bra and then it came to the push-up bra; the support bra, the Wonder bra, the super bra," he said. "There is even a smart bra. Now, if that is not enough to prop up your curiosity, there is now a new bra. It is called the holster bra, the gun bra. That is right, a brassiere to conceal a hidden handgun. Unbelievable. That is next? A maxi-girdle to conceal a stinger missile? Beam me up. I advise all men in America against taking women to drive-in movies who may end up getting shot in a passionate embrace. I yield back all those plain old Maidenform brassieres and chain link pantyhose."
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"Am I different? Yeah. Deep down, you know you want to wear wider bottoms; you're just not secure enough. . . . Do I do my hair with a Weed Whacker? I admit." — Traficant on his clothing and hair style. The remark elicited muted laughter from the House during otherwise ominous proceedings.
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"If you don't get those cameras out of my face, I'm gonna go 8.6 on the Richter scale with gastric emissions that'll clear this room!" — Traficant to photojournalists covering his House ethics subcommittee hearing
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"I wanted to have Playboy bunnies come on at night to meet with me. I wanted to be promiscuous with them." — Traficant to ethics subcommittee on why he kept a boat docked in the Potomac. Traficant was convicted of selling the boat to a businessman at an inflated price in return for favors.
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"I want you to disregard all the opposing counsel has said. I think they're delusionary. I think they've had something funny for lunch in their meal, I think they should be handcuffed, chained to a fence and flogged, and all of their hearsay evidence should be thrown the hell out. And if they lie again, I'm going to go over there and kick them in the crotch. Thank you very much."
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“A gelding doesn't have a set of testicles, sir!”
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In closing, I make 1-minute speeches. - Traficant after delivering a thirty minute speech.
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"But I was a, quote, unquote, "touchy feely guy". I had a super-intellect and was so smart, they would never catch me. They are afraid to tape me. I might discover the tape." - Traficant explaining his intellectual invincibility, in regards to why the murky, omnipresent Man doesn't have any audio proof of him breaking the law.
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I will break out of prison and I'll make a neck tie out of some these bureaucrats
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If you expel me, I will go down in history as an expelled member -- but you know what? I have a very clear conscience. I am proud to be an American.
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Many of them are so dumb they could throw themselves at the ground and miss," Traficant said of members of the news media.
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You could possibly expel a member that could get a new trial, and makes you look like a bunch of fools. If I am to be expelled under these circumstances, then God save the republic and God save the Constitution.
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I'm disgusted, busted, can't be trusted
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I would ask the committee not to ask me any questions, because I've got to go to the bathroom.
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And then when I get out I will grab a sword like Maximus Meridius Demidius and as a Gladiator I will stab people in the crotch.
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Why are we proceeding? I have to go to the bathroom!
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And Janet Reno, if I do not go to jail, I will be in Orlando August 15 and you are not going to be elected to any damn thing. Nobody should fear our Government.
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I apologize. As a fashion leader, it is tough for me at times to comport with some rules.
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There are more loopholes in the U.S. Tax Code than those old hockey nets at the Boston Garden. Beam me up. The truth is, America keeps shipping jobs and money overseas, and America is getting in return two truckloads of mangoes and two baseball players to be named later. Think about that shot.
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Mr. Speaker, how can America be bankrupt? There are airport taxes , highway taxes, excise taxes, estate taxes, gas taxes , property taxes, income taxes, sales taxes, luxury taxes, nanny taxes, old taxes, new taxes, hidden taxes, inheritance taxes; there is even now a tax called a sin tax. I say to my colleagues, no wonder the American people are taxed off.
The truth is that Congress as a Congress that taxes everything ultimately will tax freedom and will not balance anything. What is next? A budget tax? Is it any wonder that the American people are saying, kiss my taxes? Beam me up, Mr. Speaker. I yield back the balance of my taxes.
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Now NASA is on an unmanned space mission to the moon. I think NASA should redirect and have an unmanned space mission to Washington, DC, and try to find out if there is any intelligent life left in the Nation's Capital.
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I think Congress should take the IRS, handcuff them to a chain-link fence, and flog them with their own damn Tax Code.
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Now if that is not enough to find coal in your athletic supporter, check this out: A school board in Georgia removed the word "Christmas" from their school calendar because the ACLU threatened to sue. Beam me up. If this is religious freedom, I am a fashion model for GQ.
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News reports say after a game-winning goal at a soccer match in Spain, a player celebrated his teammate who scored by biting him on the genitals.
Beam me up. Now I have heard of high fives, back slaps, butt slaps, but this takes the family jewels. The team says the player is doing fine, but I suspect he will speak from here on in like a soprano. This is going a little too far. I yield back what has now become known as "The Big Bite."
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According to news reports, the Department of Energy cannot find substantial amounts of plutonium and uranium. The plutonium and uranium were, according to a Department spokesman, either loaned out to research groups or, quite simply, it was "just the fault of sloppy bookkeeping." Unbelievable. It appears that these two powerful components of nuclear destruction are being regulated as well as condoms at a Vegas brothel.
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The Republicans have gone from safe sex to safe money. I predict that the Republican concept of safe money will require millionaires to use condoms on all their safe money and their credit cards.
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The Pentagon just did not wave the Buy American Act, the Pentagon waved Old Glory the wrong way. Mr. Speaker, I suggest that these Chinese berets be made into suppositories and be used on Pentagon brass.
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The Internal Rectal Service does not need bonuses, they need abolished.
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A California woman has set a world record by hooking 7,000 brassieres together to create the biggest bra ball in history. This bra ball is a protest against the way women's breasts have been exploited. Now, if that is not enough to challenge Victoria's Secret, this buxom diva has filed a lawsuit against another artist who is also building a ball of bras. Think about it. America's courts are bogged down with drugs and murder, and now we will be tied up with 200 pounds of Maidenforms. Unbelievable. Even Slappy White of hillzoo.com cannot believe this. What is next, Congress? A stainless steel panty hose contest? Beam me up. I yield back the fact that all this money being used for this litigation would be better served if they put it towards a cure for breast cancer.
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Madam Speaker, I yield back the need for Congress to hire a proctologist to train Pentagon procurement officials on the buy American laws.
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They are officially called unisex restrooms. Unbelievable. What is next? Unisex locker rooms with thong/jock support dispensers? How about Maxipad vending machines in locker rooms? Beam me up. I yield back this higher education business as yet simply getting high.
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Think about it. While 60 percent of taxpayer calls to the IRS go unanswered, the IRS agents were watching Marilyn Chambers do the Rotary International. Beam me up here. It is time to pass a flat 15 percent sales tax and abolish this gambling, porno-watching IRS completely.
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CHINA SHIPPING WEAPONS TO CUBA 06/13/01
Mr. TRAFICANT. Mr. Speaker, the State Department now admits that China and Cuba have signed a military agreement, and China is shipping weapons into Cuba. But the State Department said, and I quote, ``we are not sure if those weapons are lethal''. Unbelievable. Every American knows those are not 4th of July fireworks that China is shipping to Cuba, Mr. Speaker.
Think about it. China is now selling weapons to Cuba. Castro hates America. Cuba is 90 miles away from America. Beam me up. What is next? A Chinese missile 90 miles away from the United States of America. I yield back the next bay of dragons in America's history.
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